SAT作文批改實例講解
Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and assignment below:
When people form opinions about someone or something, what affects them most is not substance but style. In other words, the way something appears or is presented is more important than what it actually is. This principle affects how people look at their leaders and their lives, the books they read, the products they buy, and even the subjects they take at school.
Assignment: Is style more important than substance? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.
習作修改
學生習作(第一段)
語言修改
Style, of course, is less important than substance. If there is a rotten apple placed in a crystal bowl in front of you, will you eat it happily only for the better style?
Style, of course, is less important than substance. If a rotten apple is placed in a crystal bowl will you happily eat it?
本段評點
本文的開頭比較有特色，第一句話開門見山直接給出自己的觀點，而且觀點明確。第二句話用了一個比喻加反問，而且這個比喻十分恰當地說明了形式與內容的關系，很是引人入勝，吸引閱卷人的注意力。
學生習作(第二段)
語言修改
You can see Jane who appears in the great work of Emilys as an example. Jane has a common appearance, but she never feels inferior to others. As a famous saying goes: When our soul pass away and confront the God, we are equal. Jane is not outstanding outside thats not important. Her beauty is inside. Shes brave and persistent. So does she live in our mind, though she is an imaginary person. All is due to her substance.
Take for example Jane Eyre, who appears in the great works of Charlotte Bronte. Jane has a common appearance, but she never feels inferior to others. (As the famous saying goes; when our soul passes away to meet God we are all equal. Although Jane is not beautiful on the outside, she is beautiful on the inside.Shes brave and persistent. Although she is a fictitious character, she lives on in our minds due to her substance.
本段評點
本段舉了《簡愛》這部小說中女主人公的例子，與作者要說明的論點很適合，有說服力。不過，本段中所引用的名言When our soul pass away and confront the God, we are equal.與這段的主題意義是無關的，應該刪掉。當人們死后見到上帝的時候，人們都是平等的，不能說明內在與外在，形式與內容的關系。
學生習作(第三段)
語言修改
My uncle used to make a girlfriend. She, most into her appearance, spent 2 hours making up everyday. And no one can refuse that shes beautiful. But she was not so kind. She would laugh at the badly-injured dogs in the streets and even took picture of them for fun. She shouted at beggars without offering them any help as if their poverty would spread. She was totally chilly and egocentric. No one can bear her including my uncle. At last, they broke up. Although she was charming in style, her inner substance made her awful and unpopular.
My uncle used to have a girlfriend. She spent two hours every day getting ready. She is beautiful on the outside but not so kind. She would laugh at injured dogs and even take pictures of them just for the fun of it. She shouted at beggars without offering them any help as if their poverty would spread. She was cold and egocentric. No one could stand her, not even my uncle. At last, they broke up. Although she was charming in style, her inner substance made her awful and unpopular.
本段評點
與上一段虛構的小說人物相對應，這里作者舉出了自己身邊人的真實的例子，既恰當貼切，又很有說服力。不過，本段的句式比較單調，大部分是以she開頭的單句。
學生習作(第四段)
語言修改
Have you heard of a story named Beauty and the Beast? The beast seems unacceptable in appearance, right? But finally he wins the heart of the princess for his bravery to show love. The quality drives him to the success, not the style.
Have you heard of a story named Beauty and the Beast? The beast seems unacceptable in appearance, right? But t finally he wins the heart of the princess for his bravery to show love. His qualities, not his style, lead to his success.
本段評點
本段又舉出了一個生動的例子，即《美女和野獸》這個童話故事。與前面兩個例子相比，這個例子敘述的比較簡略，這樣的設計很好，使得各個例子詳略得當，不千篇一律。不過，需要注意的是這里的兩個問句顯得有些突兀，而且連續問兩個問題，也顯得太多了。
Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and assignment below:
When people form opinions about someone or something, what affects them most is not substance but style. In other words, the way something appears or is presented is more important than what it actually is. This principle affects how people look at their leaders and their lives, the books they read, the products they buy, and even the subjects they take at school.
Assignment: Is style more important than substance? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.
習作修改
學生習作(第一段)
語言修改
Style, of course, is less important than substance. If there is a rotten apple placed in a crystal bowl in front of you, will you eat it happily only for the better style?
Style, of course, is less important than substance. If a rotten apple is placed in a crystal bowl will you happily eat it?
本段評點
本文的開頭比較有特色，第一句話開門見山直接給出自己的觀點，而且觀點明確。第二句話用了一個比喻加反問，而且這個比喻十分恰當地說明了形式與內容的關系，很是引人入勝，吸引閱卷人的注意力。
學生習作(第二段)
語言修改
You can see Jane who appears in the great work of Emilys as an example. Jane has a common appearance, but she never feels inferior to others. As a famous saying goes: When our soul pass away and confront the God, we are equal. Jane is not outstanding outside thats not important. Her beauty is inside. Shes brave and persistent. So does she live in our mind, though she is an imaginary person. All is due to her substance.
Take for example Jane Eyre, who appears in the great works of Charlotte Bronte. Jane has a common appearance, but she never feels inferior to others. (As the famous saying goes; when our soul passes away to meet God we are all equal. Although Jane is not beautiful on the outside, she is beautiful on the inside.Shes brave and persistent. Although she is a fictitious character, she lives on in our minds due to her substance.
本段評點
本段舉了《簡愛》這部小說中女主人公的例子，與作者要說明的論點很適合，有說服力。不過，本段中所引用的名言When our soul pass away and confront the God, we are equal.與這段的主題意義是無關的，應該刪掉。當人們死后見到上帝的時候，人們都是平等的，不能說明內在與外在，形式與內容的關系。
學生習作(第三段)
語言修改
My uncle used to make a girlfriend. She, most into her appearance, spent 2 hours making up everyday. And no one can refuse that shes beautiful. But she was not so kind. She would laugh at the badly-injured dogs in the streets and even took picture of them for fun. She shouted at beggars without offering them any help as if their poverty would spread. She was totally chilly and egocentric. No one can bear her including my uncle. At last, they broke up. Although she was charming in style, her inner substance made her awful and unpopular.
My uncle used to have a girlfriend. She spent two hours every day getting ready. She is beautiful on the outside but not so kind. She would laugh at injured dogs and even take pictures of them just for the fun of it. She shouted at beggars without offering them any help as if their poverty would spread. She was cold and egocentric. No one could stand her, not even my uncle. At last, they broke up. Although she was charming in style, her inner substance made her awful and unpopular.
本段評點
與上一段虛構的小說人物相對應，這里作者舉出了自己身邊人的真實的例子，既恰當貼切，又很有說服力。不過，本段的句式比較單調，大部分是以she開頭的單句。
學生習作(第四段)
語言修改
Have you heard of a story named Beauty and the Beast? The beast seems unacceptable in appearance, right? But finally he wins the heart of the princess for his bravery to show love. The quality drives him to the success, not the style.
Have you heard of a story named Beauty and the Beast? The beast seems unacceptable in appearance, right? But t finally he wins the heart of the princess for his bravery to show love. His qualities, not his style, lead to his success.
本段評點
本段又舉出了一個生動的例子，即《美女和野獸》這個童話故事。與前面兩個例子相比，這個例子敘述的比較簡略，這樣的設計很好，使得各個例子詳略得當，不千篇一律。不過，需要注意的是這里的兩個問句顯得有些突兀，而且連續問兩個問題，也顯得太多了。
